13 Weeks

13 weeks.

I should be theoretically breathing a sigh of relief at this point because I have made it to the second trimester and out of the danger zone, right? Instead, this has been a challenging week for me.

13w0d-started tracking my sugar levels due to my early onset gestational diabetes. just like it was with eva, it's these damn fasting sugars that are gonna kill me. by dinner, it seems i have a lot more freedom to eat what i'd like (not "whatever i'd like" just more freedom towards that direction) but i have basically zero options on how to bring that fasting level down. i am hating the whole thing because i am pretty confident they will put me on insulin and fast.

13w1d-got my first trimester screening results back. at no increased risk for any chromosomal abnormalities or other such issues. a friend got hers back today too and had the exact opposite results. feeling like a dope for being so concerned about having diabetes. wahhhh jane, wahhhh. grow up.

13w2d-a friend contacts me because she thinks she is having an early miscarriage. she was. horrible having to sit back and be helpless when you know what that experience is like. starting to panic that everything may not be ok with my little one either for no reason other than blind anxiety and the knowledge i have no ultrasounds or dopplers scheduled for over 2 weeks. flying solo.

13w4d-one of my very best friends had her second child today-a beautiful baby girl! 90% of my tears were of joy. 10% were a result of how bad i want that for myself and my family. i also had my GD consultation today and i HATED the nurse. for so many reasons. HATED HER. she scheduled me to come back to meet with her later in the week to show me how to use the insulin. i quickly rescheduled with someone else.

13w5d-6/12/12.  i was due to have a baby today. desperately wishing i had an ultrasound scheduled so i could be sure that i have this little one hanging on safely!