19w0d: got to visit with one of my best friends and her 10 month old daughter today. Eva was so gentle and snuggly with "Baby Ella" and even shared her special Gigi blankie with her, which is the highest possible honor in this house! my sister also came this day with her puppy, Ginger, to help me start to get ready for Eva's birthday party this weekend!
19w1d: got my 4th P-17 hydroxyprogesterone shot. a GD nurse i don't really like started pressing me about my fasting sugars, suggesting they are too low. i told her i am not having symptoms of sugar crashes but she calls me an hour later and tells me to lower my insulin to 6 units at bedtime. i wonder why this is the only nurse that has seen a problem in 8 weeks on insulin and why it would be just now that they would LOWER me...but i do what i am told.
19w2d: Eva's 3rd Birthday Puppy Party! It was a great day with friends and family! Eva had lots of friends and cousins over to share her special day and she opened an awesome bouncy house that was the hit of the party! She had such a great day and was overwhelmed with depression when everyone started leaving! She continues to ask when she will be turning 4!
19w3d: woke up to a major allergic reaction to my shot. red, hot to the touch, patch about the size of a tennis ball on my ass at the injection site that itches something fierce!
19w4d: Eva had her 3 year well baby visit at her pediatrician. 28.5lbs for our little peanut. 20/30 vision in both eyes and she did a great job cooperating with the doctor and nurses! i then went to the specialist to have them check my allergic reaction. 2 nurse and 2 doctors later, they agreed i am one of a the smallest smidge of a percentage of women would have any sort of reaction to this medication. they now need me to take 50mgs of benedryl before i get the shot which means i can't drive myself home and will be of little use to Eva those days. not sure how that will play out...if i continue with a reaction, they will have to stop the injections and they are my total peace of mind right now so that sets me into a bit of a panic.
19w5d: Eva and i drove into new jersey to pick up my best friend, Laura, who is visiting from florida this week. eva was so excited to see her and is absolutely smitten with her "Aunt Youra"! ate multigrain bagel flat with cream cheese for breakfast and my sugar was 88 after an hour=victory!
19w6d: had a multigrain bagel flat with cream cheese and my sugar was 150 after an hour=WTF and why?!?????!!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
18 Weeks
18w1d: EVA WAS RIGHT! She is getting a little sister! We are all so over the moon! We got this news at my specialist appointment today where I had a genetic counseling session (basically told her to stop talking because none of the information she could give us was of any concern or interest to us), a cervical length ultrasound, Level 2 ultrasound and hydroxyprogesterone shot. It was a long appointment! In the end, cervical length was good, baby looked great, measuring a few days bigger than scheduled, and the shot still hurts like hell!
18w2d: I finally outted this pregnancy on facebook and everyone has been very kind in response!
18w3d: Took a trip down to DC for a family Baptism. Once there, I started to realize that the injection site from Friday was swollen and beginning to itch.
18w4d: Eva had her second swim lesson this morning and I was so proud that she put her face in the water by the end of it! Definitely noticed that I am having some sort of reaction to the shot I got on Friday--itchy itchy itchy!
18w5d: Happy 3rd Birthday to big sister, Eva! What a great day for such a special girl!
18w6d: Confirmed allergic reaction to the hydroxyprogesterone shot. They feel the importance of the shot overrides the threat of reaction so there will be no stopping them, which I am glad about.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
17 Weeks
17w0d: we spent the day in ocean city, maryland with my best friend and her husband who were up from florida for the week. it was a scorcher! definitely feeling the effects of combining pregnancy and 100 degree weather! we had a great day. eva was more timid with the ocean than in years past, which is a good thing actually, having been so fearless last year. she wanted to swim but only if clung to me or matt and she played an equal amount in the sand, filling buckets with sand crabs!
17w1d: 2nd shot of hydroxyprogesterone in the ass. didn't hurt as long this time but about 20 mins after i got it i thought about removing my right butt cheek through any surgical means necessary to make the burning stop!
17w2d: had some family over for an afternoon of crab picking! yum! glad i can at least have that indulgence with GD!
17w3d: matt got sick with my virus from last week! he was out for the count all day so i took eva to the movies to see "brave". she had a hard time sitting through some of it and although i thought it was good, it wasn't what i expected and wasn't funny like i was hoping. in the end, we enjoyed sharing some popcorn and spending the day together!
17w4d: met up with my sister and her boyfriend in baltimore for the day. we ate at bubba gump shrimp and had the worst waiter i have ever had in my life. he didn't put in the whole order and this pregnant diabetic was at risk of sugar crashing while i waited for my meal. he then made some lame excuse about it and didn't attempt to comp us a thing. jerk-wad! we took eva to the aquarium and she loved watching a diver feed a sea turtle lettuce! we took her to her first dolphin show and i barely watched it because i was too busy watching her watching it because she was so excited!! it was a gorgeous summer day in the inner harbor with no humidity, which baby and i both appreciated!
17w5d: spent a gorgeous day at the pool with eva. sported my one and only maternity bathing suit. i have definitely popped! i look about 26 wks rather than 17!
17w6d: regular OB appointment. why do i get so gun shy when it comes to having to pee in the cups on command. i had to go, i just couldn't go! maybe it's the fact that eva won't stop talking to me for 3 seconds while i am attempting to aim into the cup? either way, it didn't happen and i had to try again before i left, which proved to be much more successful! my weight looks good, gained about 3 pounds in nearly 18 weeks. eva got to help turn on the doppler. baby kept moving around and is hiding behind the placenta so it wasn't an instant find, but once she got the heartbeat, eva's face lit up! "mommy, that your baby heart go boom boom boom!?".
17w1d: 2nd shot of hydroxyprogesterone in the ass. didn't hurt as long this time but about 20 mins after i got it i thought about removing my right butt cheek through any surgical means necessary to make the burning stop!
17w2d: had some family over for an afternoon of crab picking! yum! glad i can at least have that indulgence with GD!
17w3d: matt got sick with my virus from last week! he was out for the count all day so i took eva to the movies to see "brave". she had a hard time sitting through some of it and although i thought it was good, it wasn't what i expected and wasn't funny like i was hoping. in the end, we enjoyed sharing some popcorn and spending the day together!
17w4d: met up with my sister and her boyfriend in baltimore for the day. we ate at bubba gump shrimp and had the worst waiter i have ever had in my life. he didn't put in the whole order and this pregnant diabetic was at risk of sugar crashing while i waited for my meal. he then made some lame excuse about it and didn't attempt to comp us a thing. jerk-wad! we took eva to the aquarium and she loved watching a diver feed a sea turtle lettuce! we took her to her first dolphin show and i barely watched it because i was too busy watching her watching it because she was so excited!! it was a gorgeous summer day in the inner harbor with no humidity, which baby and i both appreciated!
17w5d: spent a gorgeous day at the pool with eva. sported my one and only maternity bathing suit. i have definitely popped! i look about 26 wks rather than 17!
17w6d: regular OB appointment. why do i get so gun shy when it comes to having to pee in the cups on command. i had to go, i just couldn't go! maybe it's the fact that eva won't stop talking to me for 3 seconds while i am attempting to aim into the cup? either way, it didn't happen and i had to try again before i left, which proved to be much more successful! my weight looks good, gained about 3 pounds in nearly 18 weeks. eva got to help turn on the doppler. baby kept moving around and is hiding behind the placenta so it wasn't an instant find, but once she got the heartbeat, eva's face lit up! "mommy, that your baby heart go boom boom boom!?".
Saturday, July 7, 2012
16 Weeks
16w1d: first cervical length ultrasound and hydroxyprogesterone shot at maternal fetal medicine. the cervical length checks will be every other week unless they see shortening and then i will go every week. i am getting them because eva arrived 5 weeks early and they don't know why so they have to assume it may have been due to cervical shortening. this ultrasound is done transvaginally and then they give me a quick transabdominal ultrasound. i nearly passed out when the transvaginal ultrasound began because i didn't see a baby at all: no baby, no placenta, no uterus, nada. just grey matter. i wish they had prepared me for that but apparently i am passed the point that you can really see the baby through that type of ultrasound because the uterus has lifted up, which you would know if you saw my expanding belly! the cervical length was what they wanted to see and they did the regular ultrasound briefly. baby shire is doing well! active and evasive at the same time. baby always seems to be looking away so we don't get a good look at his/her face and also is never in a great position to assure us if we have a boy or a girl on our hands 100%. i am getting the hydroxyprogesterone every week. it is a shot in the ass and damn does it hurt! human pin cushion right here!
16w2d: got the shot yesterday on my left side and i am so sore there i can't lean on it or sleep on that side at all. not fun.
16w3d: sick as a dog. i woke up hit by a train with a virus or what i thought possibly was the flu. vomiting, sore throat, chills, headache....luckily it is a sunday and matt is on complete eva duty. didn't get out of bed all day.
16w4d: virus continues and is officially throwing my sugars into blender. crashing and rising along with illness is no fun, especially when i am supposed to avoid the comfort of comfort foods.
16w5d: worst sore throat of my life continues and i go to the doctor for a strep test. negative.
16w6d: happy 4th of july! we took eva to our local parade and it was about 1000 degrees. i thought i might pass out after about 30 minutes so we had to pack up and leave. eva LOVES parades! this year she took special interest in the firetrucks, the mounted police and the people throwing candy! "i want some candy!!" she would put her finger in her mouth and "whistle" to get their attention! "yoo hoo, eva right here!!". she makes me laugh!
16w2d: got the shot yesterday on my left side and i am so sore there i can't lean on it or sleep on that side at all. not fun.
16w3d: sick as a dog. i woke up hit by a train with a virus or what i thought possibly was the flu. vomiting, sore throat, chills, headache....luckily it is a sunday and matt is on complete eva duty. didn't get out of bed all day.
16w4d: virus continues and is officially throwing my sugars into blender. crashing and rising along with illness is no fun, especially when i am supposed to avoid the comfort of comfort foods.
16w5d: worst sore throat of my life continues and i go to the doctor for a strep test. negative.
16w6d: happy 4th of july! we took eva to our local parade and it was about 1000 degrees. i thought i might pass out after about 30 minutes so we had to pack up and leave. eva LOVES parades! this year she took special interest in the firetrucks, the mounted police and the people throwing candy! "i want some candy!!" she would put her finger in her mouth and "whistle" to get their attention! "yoo hoo, eva right here!!". she makes me laugh!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
15 Weeks
15 weeks has been a pretty low-key week. I didn't have any doctor's appointments and no sugar crashes, although I am already sick to death of eggs and salads. I have been feeling the baby move in the form of what feels like gas rolls for weeks now without any real regularity, but this week, I felt the pitter patter of actual baby legs kicking around. It went on for about 5 minutes one night and it felt like my pulse was in my uterus. Such a wonderful feeling! I also had to pop the buttons on my pants open while driving this week for the first time and slipped on my first pair of maternity pants at the end of the week. Most of my maternity stuff is WAY too big and I am sort of in refusal mode to go buy any so I ordered some belly bands and hope they arrive quickly to get me through this awkward stage! In 15 weeks, I have gained 2 pounds so I feel good about that.
Eva is stoked to be a big sister. Her best friend, Lana, recently became a big sister and Eva is ready to join the bandwagon. She will look into my belly button and ask, "baby in there? far far away in there? i can't see her" (she is CONVINCED it is a girl. There is no reasoning with her that it may be a boy!). She asks me what the baby's name is and whether it is awake or sleeping throughout the day. I have told her that the baby will come home when we are getting ready for Santa to come so she is doubly excited about the mention of Santa.
I am anxious for my ultrasound at 16w1d. It will be my first check on the baby in 3.5 weeks, since I left the specialist. I am praying everything looks great and my cervical length is just what they expect it to be. I am hoping they can also tell us if Eva is right...is this a little sister?
Eva is stoked to be a big sister. Her best friend, Lana, recently became a big sister and Eva is ready to join the bandwagon. She will look into my belly button and ask, "baby in there? far far away in there? i can't see her" (she is CONVINCED it is a girl. There is no reasoning with her that it may be a boy!). She asks me what the baby's name is and whether it is awake or sleeping throughout the day. I have told her that the baby will come home when we are getting ready for Santa to come so she is doubly excited about the mention of Santa.
I am anxious for my ultrasound at 16w1d. It will be my first check on the baby in 3.5 weeks, since I left the specialist. I am praying everything looks great and my cervical length is just what they expect it to be. I am hoping they can also tell us if Eva is right...is this a little sister?
Thursday, June 21, 2012
14 weeks
14 weeks.
14w0d: first MAJOR sugar crash of my life. after 10 units of insulin at bedtime, I am supposed to lie inactive for 8 hours. Instead, I was up ALLLLLLL night with a sick Eva. at 3am, my sugar crashed violently. I took the reading and it was 58. I treated it the way they told me to the other day and ate chocolate. my hands were so shaky that I could barely open the wrapper. then I spent the entire day ping ponging with my sugars going too high and then too low. felt disgusting all day. nurse said i no longer get to treat with chocolate....wahhhhhh.
14w1d: big excitement in the Shire household=after 6 months of torturous potty training, Eva made it to five dry days in a row, which means she has earned herself a bike!
14w2d: spent the day with family at my brother in law's engagement party. was told there would be tons for me to eat and not to pack anything for myself. WRONG! lesson learned that I need to ALWAYS bring something for myself when we are eating out.
14w3d: Father's Day and second major sugar crash. my poor husband had a crap father's day because I woke up at 62 and puked twice before 9am, then had a raging headache and he sent me to bed until I evened out, which was around 3pm.
14w4d: dropped to 8 units of insulin and doing much better!
14w6d: first pair of pants are getting really tight. time to wash some maternity clothes!
14w0d: first MAJOR sugar crash of my life. after 10 units of insulin at bedtime, I am supposed to lie inactive for 8 hours. Instead, I was up ALLLLLLL night with a sick Eva. at 3am, my sugar crashed violently. I took the reading and it was 58. I treated it the way they told me to the other day and ate chocolate. my hands were so shaky that I could barely open the wrapper. then I spent the entire day ping ponging with my sugars going too high and then too low. felt disgusting all day. nurse said i no longer get to treat with chocolate....wahhhhhh.
14w1d: big excitement in the Shire household=after 6 months of torturous potty training, Eva made it to five dry days in a row, which means she has earned herself a bike!
14w2d: spent the day with family at my brother in law's engagement party. was told there would be tons for me to eat and not to pack anything for myself. WRONG! lesson learned that I need to ALWAYS bring something for myself when we are eating out.
14w3d: Father's Day and second major sugar crash. my poor husband had a crap father's day because I woke up at 62 and puked twice before 9am, then had a raging headache and he sent me to bed until I evened out, which was around 3pm.
14w4d: dropped to 8 units of insulin and doing much better!
14w6d: first pair of pants are getting really tight. time to wash some maternity clothes!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
13 Weeks
13 weeks.
I should be theoretically breathing a sigh of relief at this point because I have made it to the second trimester and out of the danger zone, right? Instead, this has been a challenging week for me.
13w0d-started tracking my sugar levels due to my early onset gestational diabetes. just like it was with eva, it's these damn fasting sugars that are gonna kill me. by dinner, it seems i have a lot more freedom to eat what i'd like (not "whatever i'd like" just more freedom towards that direction) but i have basically zero options on how to bring that fasting level down. i am hating the whole thing because i am pretty confident they will put me on insulin and fast.
13w1d-got my first trimester screening results back. at no increased risk for any chromosomal abnormalities or other such issues. a friend got hers back today too and had the exact opposite results. feeling like a dope for being so concerned about having diabetes. wahhhh jane, wahhhh. grow up.
13w2d-a friend contacts me because she thinks she is having an early miscarriage. she was. horrible having to sit back and be helpless when you know what that experience is like. starting to panic that everything may not be ok with my little one either for no reason other than blind anxiety and the knowledge i have no ultrasounds or dopplers scheduled for over 2 weeks. flying solo.
13w4d-one of my very best friends had her second child today-a beautiful baby girl! 90% of my tears were of joy. 10% were a result of how bad i want that for myself and my family. i also had my GD consultation today and i HATED the nurse. for so many reasons. HATED HER. she scheduled me to come back to meet with her later in the week to show me how to use the insulin. i quickly rescheduled with someone else.
13w5d-6/12/12. i was due to have a baby today. desperately wishing i had an ultrasound scheduled so i could be sure that i have this little one hanging on safely!
I should be theoretically breathing a sigh of relief at this point because I have made it to the second trimester and out of the danger zone, right? Instead, this has been a challenging week for me.
13w0d-started tracking my sugar levels due to my early onset gestational diabetes. just like it was with eva, it's these damn fasting sugars that are gonna kill me. by dinner, it seems i have a lot more freedom to eat what i'd like (not "whatever i'd like" just more freedom towards that direction) but i have basically zero options on how to bring that fasting level down. i am hating the whole thing because i am pretty confident they will put me on insulin and fast.
13w1d-got my first trimester screening results back. at no increased risk for any chromosomal abnormalities or other such issues. a friend got hers back today too and had the exact opposite results. feeling like a dope for being so concerned about having diabetes. wahhhh jane, wahhhh. grow up.
13w2d-a friend contacts me because she thinks she is having an early miscarriage. she was. horrible having to sit back and be helpless when you know what that experience is like. starting to panic that everything may not be ok with my little one either for no reason other than blind anxiety and the knowledge i have no ultrasounds or dopplers scheduled for over 2 weeks. flying solo.
13w4d-one of my very best friends had her second child today-a beautiful baby girl! 90% of my tears were of joy. 10% were a result of how bad i want that for myself and my family. i also had my GD consultation today and i HATED the nurse. for so many reasons. HATED HER. she scheduled me to come back to meet with her later in the week to show me how to use the insulin. i quickly rescheduled with someone else.
13w5d-6/12/12. i was due to have a baby today. desperately wishing i had an ultrasound scheduled so i could be sure that i have this little one hanging on safely!
Friday, June 8, 2012
a course in anxiety: week by week
3w5d: positive pregnancy result via blood test at specialist's office
4w5d: first ultrasound showing little gray gestational sac and yolk sac
5w5d: ultrasound showing a week's growth in a week's time. my dr who is also "the fetus whisperer" informs me that he can tell the tiny heartbeat just flicked on about two days ago!
6w5d: ultrasound #3 measured a few days shy of a week's growth and here is where jane starts to go a bit looney tooney
7w1d: ultrasound #4 at my request because i am having panic attacks around the clock. baby measured well. heart rate was good. dr told me he will give me as many ultrasounds as i feel i need to keep my sanity. cried in his office and later over the phone to the nurse because i am a basket case.
8w0d: ultrasound. baby measured 8w1d. having anxiety attacks around the clock as we approach the mid-week point where i lost both other babies. arm and leg buds present=our little gummy bear. I swear I feel the baby start to move at this time.
8w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 9w0d. first sigh of relief that i made it to 9 weeks because neither of the last two babies did.
9w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 10w1d. strong heartbeat. beginning to look like a little baby and not so much like a gummy bear! was told to call my regular OB to start the transition process, which totally freaked me out. DEFINITELY feeling the baby now!
10w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 11w2d. good blood flow and strong and steady hearbeat. Eva randomly asked me if there was a baby in my belly. we were not planning to tell her yet.
11w0d: OB appointment with regular OB. blood work and urine given and went over all the ridiculous bullshit i have gone over 4 times now. oh, you mean i can't drink? that hasn't changed since i was hear in november? oh wow..shocker.
11w5d: call from OB nurse. something "alarming" in my lab work from last week=jane flipping the hell out. turned out just to be that i have a UTI. thank the lord.
11w6d: ultrasound. got to play guinea pig to a brand new, high tech machine at the specialists office, which meant 8 people were in the room as a got probed. baby measured 12w2d, heart rate 161bpm. got to see baby in 3D and 4D as well. had hands in fists covering its little face, clearly wanting to surprise us with its good looks! sonographer has a reputation for early gender determination. gave us her prediction!
12w4d: OB appointment and early glucose test. Orange glucose juice wasn't bad at first...then it got disgusting about 4 sips in. YUCKO! weight gain looking good so far (good!). forced a thorough breast exam out of my OB because Carla lost her battle with breast cancer just 2 days before-luckily everything looked good in that department! discussed all the categories that they will consider me "high risk". starting at 16 weeks, I will get cervical length checks because Eva showed up 5 weeks premature. if it starts to shorten, I get bed rest. starting at 18 weeks, I get a hormone shot in my ass every week that my doctor was not shy about the fact that it hurts...alot. I am glad they are acknowledging my risk factors!
12w5d: Glucose results came in and I have gestational diabetes already...AGAIN. i cried off and on all day about this before snapping myself out of it. i will make it work.
12w6d: first trimester screening and graduation from specialists office. screening went well. waiting on bloodwork results still. early gender prediction confirmed. won't go to the bank on it just yet! scheduled my c-section: 12/6/12!
13w0d: hello, second trimester! it's fantastic to see you again! :)
4w5d: first ultrasound showing little gray gestational sac and yolk sac
5w5d: ultrasound showing a week's growth in a week's time. my dr who is also "the fetus whisperer" informs me that he can tell the tiny heartbeat just flicked on about two days ago!
6w5d: ultrasound #3 measured a few days shy of a week's growth and here is where jane starts to go a bit looney tooney
7w1d: ultrasound #4 at my request because i am having panic attacks around the clock. baby measured well. heart rate was good. dr told me he will give me as many ultrasounds as i feel i need to keep my sanity. cried in his office and later over the phone to the nurse because i am a basket case.
8w0d: ultrasound. baby measured 8w1d. having anxiety attacks around the clock as we approach the mid-week point where i lost both other babies. arm and leg buds present=our little gummy bear. I swear I feel the baby start to move at this time.
8w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 9w0d. first sigh of relief that i made it to 9 weeks because neither of the last two babies did.
9w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 10w1d. strong heartbeat. beginning to look like a little baby and not so much like a gummy bear! was told to call my regular OB to start the transition process, which totally freaked me out. DEFINITELY feeling the baby now!
10w5d: ultrasound. baby measured 11w2d. good blood flow and strong and steady hearbeat. Eva randomly asked me if there was a baby in my belly. we were not planning to tell her yet.
11w0d: OB appointment with regular OB. blood work and urine given and went over all the ridiculous bullshit i have gone over 4 times now. oh, you mean i can't drink? that hasn't changed since i was hear in november? oh wow..shocker.
11w5d: call from OB nurse. something "alarming" in my lab work from last week=jane flipping the hell out. turned out just to be that i have a UTI. thank the lord.
11w6d: ultrasound. got to play guinea pig to a brand new, high tech machine at the specialists office, which meant 8 people were in the room as a got probed. baby measured 12w2d, heart rate 161bpm. got to see baby in 3D and 4D as well. had hands in fists covering its little face, clearly wanting to surprise us with its good looks! sonographer has a reputation for early gender determination. gave us her prediction!
12w4d: OB appointment and early glucose test. Orange glucose juice wasn't bad at first...then it got disgusting about 4 sips in. YUCKO! weight gain looking good so far (good!). forced a thorough breast exam out of my OB because Carla lost her battle with breast cancer just 2 days before-luckily everything looked good in that department! discussed all the categories that they will consider me "high risk". starting at 16 weeks, I will get cervical length checks because Eva showed up 5 weeks premature. if it starts to shorten, I get bed rest. starting at 18 weeks, I get a hormone shot in my ass every week that my doctor was not shy about the fact that it hurts...alot. I am glad they are acknowledging my risk factors!
12w5d: Glucose results came in and I have gestational diabetes already...AGAIN. i cried off and on all day about this before snapping myself out of it. i will make it work.
12w6d: first trimester screening and graduation from specialists office. screening went well. waiting on bloodwork results still. early gender prediction confirmed. won't go to the bank on it just yet! scheduled my c-section: 12/6/12!
13w0d: hello, second trimester! it's fantastic to see you again! :)
April 2, 2012
Cross your fingers.
Cross your toes.
Cross your arms.
Cross your legs.
Cross your nuts.
Cross your "t"s...
You get the idea.
We are officially back in the danger zone with a positive pregnancy test.
December 13th is the target.
Cross your toes.
Cross your arms.
Cross your legs.
Cross your nuts.
Cross your "t"s...
You get the idea.
We are officially back in the danger zone with a positive pregnancy test.
December 13th is the target.
Friday, March 2, 2012
The Last Thing I Want is a Cheerleader
I know you may not get that.
You don't have to "get" that. This isn't about YOU.
All you have to do is understand that you are not ME and that I know ME better than you know me.
I am not even close to lying or looking for attention.
I DO NOT WANT OR NEED A CHEERLEADER!
Keep your pom poms, spirit fingers and cartwheels the hell away from me at all times.
We found the courage to try this month. We went for it. The whole process what a hot mess. If I had checked into my doctor's office every time I was there in February you would have thought I was joking. Sometimes three times a week, other times more. I got stuck with needles four times in one week. I had 5 transvaginal ultrasounds. We tracked my ovulation: first thinking it had happened so early that we missed it, but then realizing it wasn't even close to happening and end up occurring oddly late. I took 100mgs of progesterone in a vaginal suppository (yes it's a mess), that in just 18 hours had me acting like such an emotional disaster area that I had hot tears running down my face while my 2.5 year old rubbed my back out of concern in reaction to someone I barely know's facebook status. (I seriously wish I were joking about that). Then I got bloodwork back and 100mgs was not enough so I got to double it. 200mgs of progesterone is more than any single body can handle, I am convinced of it. My side effects of 200mgs of progesterone included, but are not limited to: bloating, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, insomnia (yes both at the same time!), breast tenderness, nipple sensitivity, acne, depression, violent fits of rage, intense moments of hunger, and food aversion (yes at the same time). In short, I felt really fucking pregnant.
After 2 weeks on 200 mgs of progesterone, I went for my blood test. Texted my husband before I went in and said, "just to have it on the record, I think I am pregnant".
I am not.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!
So I get to stop the progesterone for a moment, let my period arrive and call them on cycle day 1 to do the entire thing all the fuck over again.
Jane, you sound a little pissed off...
Fuck yes I am fucking pissed the fuck off. Fuck yes I am.
What tops it for me is how many people I feel I have disappointed by not being pregnant this month. Husband, daughter, doctors, nurses, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends....
You may read that and think, "jane, don't be ridiculous...". I read that reaction as judgement and you are not me. You have not walked this floor for what is now a full calendar year. You don't know how it feels to have all your hopes and dreams on the line every month and know that is all up to your stupid betraying body to make it happen. It's like staring down the barrel of a gun and sometimes the stress of it makes me wonder if it wouldn't just be a release if the gun just fired (that is not a suicide note, it's a metaphor). To do this every month while hopped up on hormones is cruel punishment to my daughter and my husband but I have to say, it is also a wicked punishment to me. I'm the one on the drugs and yet I am supposed to light up at a "whoopsie" pregnancy announcement on facebook and carry on with all our normal routines like I am not a fucking basketcase.
You don't have to "get" that. This isn't about YOU.
All you have to do is understand that you are not ME and that I know ME better than you know me.
I am not even close to lying or looking for attention.
I DO NOT WANT OR NEED A CHEERLEADER!
Keep your pom poms, spirit fingers and cartwheels the hell away from me at all times.
We found the courage to try this month. We went for it. The whole process what a hot mess. If I had checked into my doctor's office every time I was there in February you would have thought I was joking. Sometimes three times a week, other times more. I got stuck with needles four times in one week. I had 5 transvaginal ultrasounds. We tracked my ovulation: first thinking it had happened so early that we missed it, but then realizing it wasn't even close to happening and end up occurring oddly late. I took 100mgs of progesterone in a vaginal suppository (yes it's a mess), that in just 18 hours had me acting like such an emotional disaster area that I had hot tears running down my face while my 2.5 year old rubbed my back out of concern in reaction to someone I barely know's facebook status. (I seriously wish I were joking about that). Then I got bloodwork back and 100mgs was not enough so I got to double it. 200mgs of progesterone is more than any single body can handle, I am convinced of it. My side effects of 200mgs of progesterone included, but are not limited to: bloating, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, insomnia (yes both at the same time!), breast tenderness, nipple sensitivity, acne, depression, violent fits of rage, intense moments of hunger, and food aversion (yes at the same time). In short, I felt really fucking pregnant.
After 2 weeks on 200 mgs of progesterone, I went for my blood test. Texted my husband before I went in and said, "just to have it on the record, I think I am pregnant".
I am not.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!
So I get to stop the progesterone for a moment, let my period arrive and call them on cycle day 1 to do the entire thing all the fuck over again.
Jane, you sound a little pissed off...
Fuck yes I am fucking pissed the fuck off. Fuck yes I am.
What tops it for me is how many people I feel I have disappointed by not being pregnant this month. Husband, daughter, doctors, nurses, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends....
You may read that and think, "jane, don't be ridiculous...". I read that reaction as judgement and you are not me. You have not walked this floor for what is now a full calendar year. You don't know how it feels to have all your hopes and dreams on the line every month and know that is all up to your stupid betraying body to make it happen. It's like staring down the barrel of a gun and sometimes the stress of it makes me wonder if it wouldn't just be a release if the gun just fired (that is not a suicide note, it's a metaphor). To do this every month while hopped up on hormones is cruel punishment to my daughter and my husband but I have to say, it is also a wicked punishment to me. I'm the one on the drugs and yet I am supposed to light up at a "whoopsie" pregnancy announcement on facebook and carry on with all our normal routines like I am not a fucking basketcase.
When you try to tell me that you feel confident in this process for me; that you just know I will get pregnant and it will stick and my family will grow if I just stay positive, it makes me want to strangle you violently. I know you are trying to be helpful. I know you want me to feel the excitement of procreation and hopeful possibility but the reality of my situation is that it has all be robbed of me. I will not find out I am pregnant and do a dance of joy. As soon as that test reads positive, I am in the danger zone. When you tell me things will be fine if I am positive about it and try not to worry, I get pulled into a defensive stance and makes me want to argue with you because you are absolutely not allowed to tell me how I should feel for one split second of my life. I have real fears because my nightmares were realized twice in a 9 months span of time. I am worried. I want to be worried. Let me be fucking worried and be a friend and worry with me. Don't try to make me feel anything other than what I do. Please.
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