7 weeks, 1 day.
My boobs have been decreasingly sore for the last few days. I was nauseous as hell this time last week and don't feel even a fleeting wave of it now. Called my doctor this morning and I am being sent for an ultrasound...
Plain and simple: I am a mess.
I had my first real panic attack about an hour ago. It wasn't fun. Eva didn't even notice, which is a blessing because I was almost going to panic about the impression my panicking would leave on my sweet girl.
Last April, it was in my 7th week that a loss of a symptom sent my mind into a spiral and prompted my doctor to send me for an ultrasound "for my own peace of mind". That ultrasound was awful. Although they found the baby and clocked a good heart rate, it was the beginning of that end. Two days after I began bleeding and miscarried within the week.
Now it is October and I am in my 7th week. I have experienced a loss of a symptom and again I am being sent for an ultrasound for "peace of mind". This time at least the doctor gave me the respect of acknowledging there was cause for concern on her end as well.
My appointment is in an hour and I feel frozen. I am ice cold to the bone despite wearing three layers and Ugg boots. My eyes and face are swollen and red, probably beyond recognition. I am unwilling to look at myself in the mirror for fear of having to hold my own eye contact. I am terrified.
The timing is ominous. Same week, same issue. Deep in the pit of my stomach is the knowledge that at just 7 weeks this baby is supposed to be the size of a blueberry. Did I mention that Eva's fish is named Blueberry??? He died yesterday...
Saturday, November 5, 2011
October 18, 2011: Well hello again John
And by "John" I mean the toilet.
Hello 6 weeks and hello nausea. I have had a wave of nausea here and there for the last two weeks or so but they are seriously like 2 seconds long and usually while someone else is driving. Today, nausea woke me up from a nap...awesome. I sat on the bathroom floor facing the toilet for an hour while on the brink of needing to puke my face off.
I know there is no need to choke back morning sickness. June bug is getting all the nutrients it needs as the size of a lentil bean (or blueberry depending on what site you refer to) so if I vomit up my lunch, all is well. But I choked it back anyway and here is why: the last thing on my stomach were really delicious shrimp potstickers. Nothing sounds good to me right now. Lunch and dinner arrives and I cannot think of anything I want to eat. Nothing is really grossing me out per se but nothing jumps out at me either. That is, except for Chinese food. This happened while I was pregnant with Eva too. All I wanted was Chinese food. Mexican entered the equation later on so I am holding out for that as well, but right now, I could drink a bottle of soy sauce. So I know how this works. If I gagged up the potstickers then I couldn't stomach Chinese food for at least a year. With Eva this happened with Macaroni and Cheese. I puked it once and then the casserole dish that I had made it in showed up clean in the dishwasher and I had to SPRINT to the bathroom to puke and that was a few days later. Matt had to put that dish away. A week after that I went to pull it out of the cabinet to make something else and one look at it sent me running again to the bathroom. Then I made Matt hide it in the garage. It wasn't allowed back in the house until Eva was 6 months old.
So I sat in the bathroom breathing through nausea in order to keep ahold of my love for Chinese food. After about an hour, Eva woke up. As she called out for me, I looked at Brady (our Golden Retriever) and said, "Dude...it's SOOOOOO time you start pulling your own weight around here. Go get Eva for me." He outright refused.
This could be a major struggle. But in the end I will be thrilled to hug the toilet. I would rather be sick to my stomach day to day than not be pregnant. I would rather have that glaring evidence that my hormones are increasing and therefore this June bug is growing than be faced with another miscarriage. I am grateful for nausea!
Hello 6 weeks and hello nausea. I have had a wave of nausea here and there for the last two weeks or so but they are seriously like 2 seconds long and usually while someone else is driving. Today, nausea woke me up from a nap...awesome. I sat on the bathroom floor facing the toilet for an hour while on the brink of needing to puke my face off.
I know there is no need to choke back morning sickness. June bug is getting all the nutrients it needs as the size of a lentil bean (or blueberry depending on what site you refer to) so if I vomit up my lunch, all is well. But I choked it back anyway and here is why: the last thing on my stomach were really delicious shrimp potstickers. Nothing sounds good to me right now. Lunch and dinner arrives and I cannot think of anything I want to eat. Nothing is really grossing me out per se but nothing jumps out at me either. That is, except for Chinese food. This happened while I was pregnant with Eva too. All I wanted was Chinese food. Mexican entered the equation later on so I am holding out for that as well, but right now, I could drink a bottle of soy sauce. So I know how this works. If I gagged up the potstickers then I couldn't stomach Chinese food for at least a year. With Eva this happened with Macaroni and Cheese. I puked it once and then the casserole dish that I had made it in showed up clean in the dishwasher and I had to SPRINT to the bathroom to puke and that was a few days later. Matt had to put that dish away. A week after that I went to pull it out of the cabinet to make something else and one look at it sent me running again to the bathroom. Then I made Matt hide it in the garage. It wasn't allowed back in the house until Eva was 6 months old.
So I sat in the bathroom breathing through nausea in order to keep ahold of my love for Chinese food. After about an hour, Eva woke up. As she called out for me, I looked at Brady (our Golden Retriever) and said, "Dude...it's SOOOOOO time you start pulling your own weight around here. Go get Eva for me." He outright refused.
This could be a major struggle. But in the end I will be thrilled to hug the toilet. I would rather be sick to my stomach day to day than not be pregnant. I would rather have that glaring evidence that my hormones are increasing and therefore this June bug is growing than be faced with another miscarriage. I am grateful for nausea!
October 8, 2011: A Step
I went to get bloodwork yesterday to confirm and have not yet gotten the results because it is the weekend. I don't really need the confirmation though because I did take about 3 tests over a 3 day span that all said positive, just to prove to myself it wasn't mind over matter.
By my own calculations I am 4 weeks, 3 days going by the first day of my last period, but I know I ovulated a few days early this month because I am one of those freaks of nature that often feel myself ovulate (just a brief pinch on one side of my uterus--this month it was the left side) so if I go by that I am more like 4 weeks, 5 days. Of course 2 days doesn't really make much of a difference except that it brings me closer to crossing the threshold of 8 weeks, 4 days when I began to miscarry the last pregnancy.
So let's talk about that for a moment...
I am determined not to spend the next 4 weeks in a panic. When I pass that, I will not worry for the next 5 weeks as I round out the first trimester and most dangerous time frame. After that, I will not consume myself with fears about loss until I hold this healthy baby and wish it a happy birthday. I simply will not allow it. Don't get me wrong, I will be cautious. When I am tired, I will rest. If I am stretching myself too thin, I will take a break and/or tell people no. Eva is my first priority. This June Bug is my second.
Do I know that I will have a second miscarriage? No.
Do I know that I will hold this baby in my arms? No.
So how will I not worry about that uncertainty? I just won't. I cannot put all my eggs in this basket and yet, I will feel every joy and excitement it presents. This may be the easiest pregnancy anyone could ever have with nothing but health for me and this baby or I may lose it. Either way, it will give us some answers to the screaming questions that seem to be on a loop in my brain and it is a step towards expanding our family and holding our next child.
I will not worry.
I will let go...
By my own calculations I am 4 weeks, 3 days going by the first day of my last period, but I know I ovulated a few days early this month because I am one of those freaks of nature that often feel myself ovulate (just a brief pinch on one side of my uterus--this month it was the left side) so if I go by that I am more like 4 weeks, 5 days. Of course 2 days doesn't really make much of a difference except that it brings me closer to crossing the threshold of 8 weeks, 4 days when I began to miscarry the last pregnancy.
So let's talk about that for a moment...
I am determined not to spend the next 4 weeks in a panic. When I pass that, I will not worry for the next 5 weeks as I round out the first trimester and most dangerous time frame. After that, I will not consume myself with fears about loss until I hold this healthy baby and wish it a happy birthday. I simply will not allow it. Don't get me wrong, I will be cautious. When I am tired, I will rest. If I am stretching myself too thin, I will take a break and/or tell people no. Eva is my first priority. This June Bug is my second.
Do I know that I will have a second miscarriage? No.
Do I know that I will hold this baby in my arms? No.
So how will I not worry about that uncertainty? I just won't. I cannot put all my eggs in this basket and yet, I will feel every joy and excitement it presents. This may be the easiest pregnancy anyone could ever have with nothing but health for me and this baby or I may lose it. Either way, it will give us some answers to the screaming questions that seem to be on a loop in my brain and it is a step towards expanding our family and holding our next child.
I will not worry.
I will let go...
October 5, 2011: The Gifts
I have been given the gift of another chance. The gift of developing new life. After tragedy last spring, I am again expecting a little brother or sister for our sweet Eva. But I have been granted another precious gift: to trust my body again.
When we conceived last February I knew within a few days. My body reacted quickly and symptoms were full force very early. For all intents and purposes, I had little reason to be concerned about that pregnancy because there seemed little room for doubt at the time. Then my body betrayed me and I felt I had no one to trust if I couldn't even trust my instincts.
I felt like I knew this time too. Read back a few posts and you will see that I had reason for suspicion but I didn't know if I could trust myself. As it turns out, I can and that gift means more to me than I can express.
Thank you for this life, this chance and for this trust. Thank you.
When we conceived last February I knew within a few days. My body reacted quickly and symptoms were full force very early. For all intents and purposes, I had little reason to be concerned about that pregnancy because there seemed little room for doubt at the time. Then my body betrayed me and I felt I had no one to trust if I couldn't even trust my instincts.
I felt like I knew this time too. Read back a few posts and you will see that I had reason for suspicion but I didn't know if I could trust myself. As it turns out, I can and that gift means more to me than I can express.
Thank you for this life, this chance and for this trust. Thank you.
October 3, 2011: Resolve
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I did not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I will not take a test today.
I did not take a test today.
October 2, 2011: Flying into unknown territory
I leave today for 4 and a half days to go visit one of my very best friends who had her baby girl a month ago. I will either get or skip my period while I am visiting her in Ohio. I took another test this morning hoping to not have to pack both a pregnancy test AND tampons in my carryon and so I could tell Matt I was pregnant in person if I am...
I'm not.
Or am I?
I'm not.
Or am I?
October 1, 2011: No Special Birthday Gifts for My Husband
Due for my period on Oct 5 so I took a test this morning because my husband turns 31 today and I thought it would be a great gift to give him...
Negativo=boo.
Negativo=boo.
September 27, 2011: Here I go again
Operation June baby began as scheduled and is all wrapped up in a pretty little bow now as we play the waiting game.
I have decided to talk to no one about any early signs or symptoms because it is so easy to fall into a cycle of imagining things and that just leaves me feeling disappointed, depressed and scared when my period inevitably arrives. So outwardly, I am projecting the attitude of "not pregnant until proven positive". Of course I am being intelligent and taking my prenatal vitamins, not drinking, no soft cheeses and blahbibity blah, but I am not going to question my pregnancy status with anyone until there is nothing to question. One way or another.
That is the face I wear.
Inside I am freaking out at the real possibility that I am typing this pregnant. So let's do this:
1. For about 2-3 hours two days ago I had cramps. Just mild and constant but definitely there and then they vanished and have not returned. I am not due for my period until October 5. These were not menstrual. Implantation cramping, yeah?
2. Last month I said I thought my nipples looked funny and it turned out that's just how they always look when I get my period. This month they definitely look weird. Not the same weird as last month, it's different. I saw them this morning and thought, "ooooh yeah! THAT's what they looked like" as if I was recognizing an old friend. The color is off, darker. And they appear harder; more right angles I guess.
3. I thought maybe my boobs were sore last month, but I think I created that in my head because I wanted to believe they were. Right now, it's a slight soreness that is hard to describe. It doesn't "hurt" if I squeeze a boob but there is just a light burning feeling that is constantly uncomfortable. It's a feeling I remember.
So I definitely could be pregnant. And if I am, I'm due June 12. That sounds fine to me!
I have decided to talk to no one about any early signs or symptoms because it is so easy to fall into a cycle of imagining things and that just leaves me feeling disappointed, depressed and scared when my period inevitably arrives. So outwardly, I am projecting the attitude of "not pregnant until proven positive". Of course I am being intelligent and taking my prenatal vitamins, not drinking, no soft cheeses and blahbibity blah, but I am not going to question my pregnancy status with anyone until there is nothing to question. One way or another.
That is the face I wear.
Inside I am freaking out at the real possibility that I am typing this pregnant. So let's do this:
1. For about 2-3 hours two days ago I had cramps. Just mild and constant but definitely there and then they vanished and have not returned. I am not due for my period until October 5. These were not menstrual. Implantation cramping, yeah?
2. Last month I said I thought my nipples looked funny and it turned out that's just how they always look when I get my period. This month they definitely look weird. Not the same weird as last month, it's different. I saw them this morning and thought, "ooooh yeah! THAT's what they looked like" as if I was recognizing an old friend. The color is off, darker. And they appear harder; more right angles I guess.
3. I thought maybe my boobs were sore last month, but I think I created that in my head because I wanted to believe they were. Right now, it's a slight soreness that is hard to describe. It doesn't "hurt" if I squeeze a boob but there is just a light burning feeling that is constantly uncomfortable. It's a feeling I remember.
So I definitely could be pregnant. And if I am, I'm due June 12. That sounds fine to me!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
A new pet peeve
So my biggest pet peeve was always people who are unaware of where they are in space. So the people at the mall or take up the entire walkway and walk at a glacial pace. The idiots backing out of the parking lot that pause halfway out of their spot so that you can't go around them because they are still technically backing up. The assholes in the grocery store that stand staring at canned vegetables for an hour with their cart in the middle of the aisle so you can't get by with your already screaming toddler. These people. I can't stand these people. You know who you are!
I have a new pet peeve that may be exceeding this one rapidly= people who don't know their audience. Well that's not entirely accurate. I don't care if you genuinely don't know who you're talking to but if you know someone's story and still talk to them about it like you don't then I hate you completely. If you know your friend has breast cancer and talk to them about how much you hate your boobs, then screw you. If you know someone in the room has just gotten a divorce and you still go on and on about how in love you are or how hard it is out there and how glad you are that you are now engaged and will never have to date again, then you should be stoned. And if you know that I have had a miscarriage and you tell me, "Eva is getting so big, time for another one Jane, don't you think?!" or "I am so over being pregnant right now"... I seriously may never speak to you again. Which maybe that's your goal? If so, congrats.
It bothers me also, but maybe not quite as much since I have made it public info in a way, when you ask me how trying to get pregnant is going. If you say, "So you guys are trying again. How are you feeling about it all?", then I love you. You are a true friend that wants to see how my head is on and check in to make sure I am not losing my mind with worry. That is fine. When you ask me, "do you think you may be pregnant yet?" and I tell you, "I don't want to speculate. I don't want to do that to myself. So all I know is that no, I am not currently pregnant" don't continue probing me for information. I am not lying. I do not want to play that game. I don't care if it is your way of showing your hopes for us, it's inappropriate and not appreciated. All you are doing is pushing me to the brink of insanity over an already stressful issue for us. If you push me on this issue then you are putting yourself on the list as one more person I will disappoint when I get my period on time. Is that your intentions? If not, then take my word for it and stop asking. You will be informed when we feel it is the right time to inform you, not on your agenda of wanting to be in the know. If that is your intentions than it has been nice knowing you and this is where our paths divide. Period.
I have a new pet peeve that may be exceeding this one rapidly= people who don't know their audience. Well that's not entirely accurate. I don't care if you genuinely don't know who you're talking to but if you know someone's story and still talk to them about it like you don't then I hate you completely. If you know your friend has breast cancer and talk to them about how much you hate your boobs, then screw you. If you know someone in the room has just gotten a divorce and you still go on and on about how in love you are or how hard it is out there and how glad you are that you are now engaged and will never have to date again, then you should be stoned. And if you know that I have had a miscarriage and you tell me, "Eva is getting so big, time for another one Jane, don't you think?!" or "I am so over being pregnant right now"... I seriously may never speak to you again. Which maybe that's your goal? If so, congrats.
It bothers me also, but maybe not quite as much since I have made it public info in a way, when you ask me how trying to get pregnant is going. If you say, "So you guys are trying again. How are you feeling about it all?", then I love you. You are a true friend that wants to see how my head is on and check in to make sure I am not losing my mind with worry. That is fine. When you ask me, "do you think you may be pregnant yet?" and I tell you, "I don't want to speculate. I don't want to do that to myself. So all I know is that no, I am not currently pregnant" don't continue probing me for information. I am not lying. I do not want to play that game. I don't care if it is your way of showing your hopes for us, it's inappropriate and not appreciated. All you are doing is pushing me to the brink of insanity over an already stressful issue for us. If you push me on this issue then you are putting yourself on the list as one more person I will disappoint when I get my period on time. Is that your intentions? If not, then take my word for it and stop asking. You will be informed when we feel it is the right time to inform you, not on your agenda of wanting to be in the know. If that is your intentions than it has been nice knowing you and this is where our paths divide. Period.
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