October 8, 2011: A Step

I went to get bloodwork yesterday to confirm and have not yet gotten the results because it is the weekend. I don't really need the confirmation though because I did take about 3 tests over a 3 day span that all said positive, just to prove to myself it wasn't mind over matter.

By my own calculations I am 4 weeks, 3 days going by the first day of my last period, but I know I ovulated a few days early this month because I am one of those freaks of nature that often feel myself ovulate (just a brief pinch on one side of my uterus--this month it was the left side) so if I go by that I am more like 4 weeks, 5 days. Of course 2 days doesn't really make much of a difference except that it brings me closer to crossing the threshold of 8 weeks, 4 days when I began to miscarry the last pregnancy.

So let's talk about that for a moment...
I am determined not to spend the next 4 weeks in a panic. When I pass that, I will not worry for the next 5 weeks as I round out the first trimester and most dangerous time frame. After that, I will not consume myself with fears about loss until I hold this healthy baby and wish it a happy birthday. I simply will not allow it. Don't get me wrong, I will be cautious.  When I am tired, I will rest. If I am stretching myself too thin, I will take a break and/or tell people no. Eva is my first priority. This June Bug is my second.

Do I know that I will have a second miscarriage? No.
Do I know that I will hold this baby in my arms? No.

So how will I not worry about that uncertainty? I just won't. I cannot put all my eggs in this basket and yet, I will feel every joy and excitement it presents. This may be the easiest pregnancy anyone could ever have with nothing but health for me and this baby or I may lose it. Either way, it will give us some answers to the screaming questions that seem to be on a loop in my brain and it is a step towards expanding our family and holding our next child.

I will not worry.

I will let go...