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In "Round 2", I had every pregnancy symptom I had with Eva only this time it was earlier and stronger. The exhaustion was overwhelming. My boobs were so sore I considered taping them "Boys Don't Cry" style to my body. But it was the nausea that knocked me on my ass.

I began to feel sick when pregnant with Eva around week 10 and it was hard and fast. Once my doctor told me I didn't have to choke it back, that Eva was getting enough nourishment, I would suddenly get a wave of nausea and would have to knock people down in order to get to the bathroom where I would puke my guts out. But then I felt better. It was gone by 12 weeks. So in the end, hardly the worst case of morning sickness in the world. But "Round 2" was a different story. I was nauseous before I even knew for sure I was pregnant, so at like week 4! And it wasn't in waves, it was all day. Sun up til sun down. It wouldn't get to the point that I would have to vomit either, but linger just on the brink...all...damn...day. By week 6, my OB prescribed me an anti-nausea medication, that's how bad it was (I never took it). Sometime towards the end of my 6th week, I remember talking to my mom and we half-laughed and half-panicked at the possibility that I was carrying twins. Then my 7th week arrived and suddenly, I felt better. I wasn't sick to my stomach at all anymore. You would think that would be a good thing and that I'd be celebrating but it struck me to my core and I was aware of it all day long. Why aren't I sick anymore? Is something wrong? Shouldn't I be sick until my second trimester? Why did it go away overnight? Something must be wrong. Almost every hour I would squeeze a boob to make sure they were still sore. And they were, so I took some comfort in that. For awhile.

At the beginning of week 7, I went for the prenatal counseling visit at my OB. This is where you talk to the nurse and schedule some appointments and they talk to you about what to expect and blahbity blah blah. It's not even an actual exam and the second pregnancy it borders on completely pointless. "Oh you mean I CAN'T drink wine with this pregnancy? I thought something may have changed in the last 18 months? No? Oh okay. Thank God I came for this appointment or I would have had NO idea! PHEW!". Idiots.

But I talked to the nurse at length about this nausea/no nausea thing. I wasn't due to have an ultrasound until I was about 12 weeks, so another month to go, but to ease my mind she wrote me a prescription to go have one done. Everyone told me I was over-reacting. Even the nurse thought I was being a bit of a wimp. But something wasn't sitting right.

I didn't go for the ultrasound right away because I needed Matt to go with me. When he got home from work we went to the same place I had gone the year before to get the breast ultrasound. I changed into that same paper-thin gown and was brought into the same room to wait for the ultrasound tech. And here Guru Jane goes again, surveying the energy in the room. The light wasn't blinking anymore, I'm glad they got that fixed. The ultrasound machine still whirred, the crepe paper sheet crinkled under my skin and the room was musty and warm. Matt sat in the chair by the bed and he tapped his foot repeatedly.  Matt is NOT a foot tapper. I took a breath and closed my eyes and "felt the room". Was it heavy? Would something bad happen here? Was something wrong with this pregnancy? With this baby of ours?

Yes.

The energy in that room made my skin crawl. It was heavy and dark and simply felt tragic.

I cried immediately when the ultrasound tech had trouble finding the baby. She tried to be reassuring. She told me that they don't do routine ultrasounds at 7.5 weeks because they are so small they are hard to find.  It didn't reassure me in the least. Through tears, I focused on Matt's face as he stood over her shoulder looking at that ultrasound screen searching for our child. He was serious and stiff because he didn't see one...and then suddenly, his shoulders relaxed and he nodded to me and there it was! It took them 30 minutes to find, but there was our little baby bean! We saw the heartbeat, a tiny flicker, and it charted in the normal range. The baby measured small (6 wks 1 day), but everything was give or take a week or two at that stage. They were just thrilled the heartbeat was beating away as fast as it should be. They sent me on my way with a picture of our little November baby.

I wish I could say that having that ultrasound put me at ease or that it had reassured me by seeing the baby's heart rate, but it didn't. I felt the energy in that room and knew what it revealed to me. Something was wrong. The universe was just easing me into it. I stared at that precious ultrasound picture of that little alien-like bean and I spoke to it. I said, "Hello little one. You do your job and I will do mine. Stay with me, please".

The next day, we got an offer on our house. Two days later, we negotiated a deal and went under contract. Three days later, I started bleeding...