As I mentioned in the last post, Matt and I were left in the hospital room for an hour and we cried for half of it. When the sobs slowed to a halt, my mind started quietly swimming at a frantic pace. It's amazing how much you unknowingly plan for the upcoming year when you see that positive sign on the pregnancy test. I hadn't done it consciously, and neither had Matt. But now we were in the situation we were in and it all came crashing down. We had to un-plan a year of happiness in the face of personal loss.
Shit, did we do the right thing taking such a hit on the sale of our house? We were desperate at the time, but are we still? Nothing we could do about it now. I guess I can cancel that meeting with my boss to tell him I am expecting and what my plan is for the course I teach since I am due mid-semester. I guess I don't need a new car. I was going to get a 7 seater. Now that just seems silly. I need to call and cancel that first trimester screening (when I did this, I had to say, "I had a miscarriage" 3 times to the receptionist because she was older than dust and couldn't hear what I was saying as the reason for cancellation. You're fired!). I guess we don't need to worry about moving Eva to a toddler bed yet because we won't need the crib. I guess I don't have to rush to potty train her because I won't have two in diapers. I guess I can drink coffee and eat sugar again. Shit, I just resigned from my extended maternity leave because I was expecting a baby. I guess that's just as well. I guess I won't have to stop to pee a thousand times on the way to South Carolina this summer. I guess that's a good thing. I guess I can go see Brooke after she has Sydney now because I won't be in my 3rd trimester. I guess I won't need to ask about recommendations for double strollers because I bet Eva won't want to sit in one by the time we have a baby now. I guess I can return that new expensive monitor because I won't need to add a camera anytime soon...
The list was endless and I am still adding new things to it to this day.
Let me say this: I am an early childhood special education teacher. In fact, I have spent the last year teaching a senior level course at the University of Delaware about early childhood special education. I literally teach people how much can go wrong during a pregnancy and what that can look like. I spent my first year teaching children with profound multiple disabilities. One of these students was missing a huge part of his frontal lobe, was deaf-blind and had seizure disorder. The slightest touch (because he had no way of knowing you were coming) would send him into a five minute seizure. So I know. I am very aware that nature takes a course and that babies that are miscarried this early in a pregnancy are generally not viable. So the educated part of me can rationalize that I had a feeling early on that something was wrong because something was. That I measured small in that first ultrasound because the baby wasn't developing right from the start. That something was wrong in its tiny little chromosomes that didn't give it or me a fighting chance. Part of me knows this very well.
The other part of me shoots back to the feeling I had when we started trying to conceive Eva. I just had this feeling-no, it wasn't a feeling, it was a knowledge-I just had this knowledge that it wouldn't be easy breezy for us to have the family we wanted. I didn't have the coziest pregnancy or labor with Eva, that's true, but we have a beautiful daughter who we could not adore more than we do, but we know we don't want her alone in this. She needs to have a sibling and it didn't go well the first go around. Will it ever go well? Was this a result of my pelvic issue? When they warned me in passing about possibly fertility issues was it more than a warning? Was it a promise? Eva was born 5 weeks early. Why? Could my body not hold her in? Can I not hold anything in now? When I got to maternity triage and they confirmed my impending miscarriage, they also said it wouldn't be long before the process was complete because I was already dilating. So which came first? Did I dilate and that caused me to lose the baby or did I lose the baby and that caused me to dilate? What if I can't have a baby again? What does that mean for us? For me? For my family? For my Eva?
When I had the miscarriage in April, someone close to me went as far as to suggest I brought it on myself. That wasn't the way it was worded to me, but it was the general point she was making. If I put out the negative energy that something would go wrong somewhere down the line, then I would bring it towards myself. Now, don't go getting all defensive on my behalf. It was a knife to my soul and it still is, but I saw her point and understood it. I obviously believe in energy, as you know, I survey rooms all the time. But I also believe energy doesn't work that way. I don't think the universe is set up to punish a mother for wanting a child. For that reason alone, I know I didn't bring this on myself. Whether this is the only miscarriage I will have or if I have several coming for me, I don't know, but either way I did nothing to cause it. No amount of negative intuition or cups of half-caff or pieces of pizza or warm baths or that glass of wine the night after we conceived did this. I know this for sure. I have peace in that.
I miscarried in April 2011. A lot has happened since then. We have moved to our dream home in Pennsylvania in a great school district with over an acre of land. We have made a home. Eva turned two and is a blossoming bundle of personality. She is so much easier to tote around and I enjoy taking her places and teaching her through every new experience, whether it's another trip to Target or her first time to the zoo. I LOVE TWO YEARS OLD! She is such great company these days that I am glad I get to focus on her right now and enjoy every moment of this age and THIS child. We are leaving today for our annual family trip to Fripp Island, South Carolina. Eva loved the beach last year and I have no doubt she will make this family vacation one to remember.
And that brings us to current day and to why I started this blog in the first place. This will be my last public post to facebook. I needed an outlet to move the pain I feel everyday that hides behind my eyes and smile as a result of the loss of this child off of my heart and back into the universe. We were told we should wait 3 menstrual cycles before we tried again. We've waited much longer than that. The loss of our 11/11/11 baby was a blow we couldn't bounce back from in just three months. We simply weren't ready. I may get pregnant easily when we are trying again and I may not. I may carry this next baby to full-term and I may not. We will either have another child or we will have trouble. And now, we're ready to know which way the coin will fall...
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