Lumpity bump bump

As I previously mentioned, I tried to breastfeed in the most traditional sense. I tried to get her mouth to tit for longer than I could stand it. I tried to do it. It seemed like the easiest, cheapest, healthiest, most convenient and most natural way to work things, but I never really WANTED to do it. It sort of creeps me out if I'm being forthright about it, but I could do anything for my Eva. In the end, she rejected me completely so I pumped for months and she got her nutrition that way with assistance from good old Enfamil. This meant I wound up hooked up to a hospital grade breast pump for almost half of any given day. It took awhile for my "supply" to arrive (it must have been temporarily lost in the mail) so once it did I was determined to fill up my fridge AND freezer! 

I would say it was about a month when a milk duct decided to malfunction and got clogged. I don't know how this happens. Breast milk is the consistency of 2 ounces of water with a drop or two of cream in it. How does this clog anything? It's beyond my ability to comprehend. But what I do know is that when it clogs a duct, the resulting infection is a bitch! 

It was my right boob ("Mary Kate", according to Matt) and right on the top. A hot-to-the-touch, hard and painful lump showed up. I never spiked a fever because I knew what it was at the earliest signs and my OB was very attentive and I was on a prescription like brown on rice. The antibiotic helped, but the best remedy is to let the milk continue to flow. At one point or another, I remember this thing was so painful and sore that I was expecting to see a stone sized clump suddenly shoot out and into the breast milk bag, clearly indicating that the clog was now clear. That never happened, obviously, and one day, it was just miraculously better. And I was back in business.

About 9 months later, I had been weened from pumping for awhile so all the swelling in my now GLOBE sized breasts had subsided. I went bra shopping and was shocked to find out that I was still the same bra size (a D if you're nosey or a pervert) only now I needed padding because my now hollow used boobs were deflated. Who needs padding in a D cup? Yup, that's me. 

So I took my now bubbly padded-D cup boobies home and went on with mothering. 

At some point I realized it and put it off in the back of my mind where we place things like, "change the brita filter" for constant "GOD why can't I remember to do that?!". It was a lump. A breast lump.

Now, I'm not a hypochondriac (well, that's not completely true. I can't watch Dr. Oz or The Doctors without thinking I have some strange disease that they are mentioning). This lump was in roughly the same spot the clogged duct had been, but not exactly the same spot. Could it have moved when my boobs deflated? Possibly, even probably. 

It may be questionable whether or not I'm a hypochondriac or not, but I'm definitely not a fool. 

One of my favorite people from college, therefore one of my favorite people period, felt a lump at some point too. She also wasn't a fool. She pointed it out to this doctor and that one and all of them gave her the response that she really wanted to hear, but unfortunately for this rock star woman, it wasn't the correct response. She was diagnosed with breast cancer several years later, when it was well beyond just "breast" cancer. (Why can't we locate these bastard doctors and have them stoned? That's what I want to know!?). 

So for years she has been fighting this fight and kicking ass here and there and occasionally, sadly, getting her ass kicked while everyone who has her on their "my favorite people, period" list has to sit back and try to support her while being entirely helpless to actually do any good. 

So when I felt this lump, I went into action. Am I going to bear witness to her story and still be so ignorant that it could be her and not me? NOPE. I was at the doctor in less than 3 days. 

They were pretty sure it was scar tissue from the clogged duct that did likely move slightly when I stopped pumping and the milk ducts dried up, but......

I was sent for a breast ultrasound. Thinking of my friend and all I know of her story since she first found her lump, I was thrilled they even sent me for the ultrasound. That was more than her doctors ever did for her. But I wasn't put at ease by that. 

I went for the ultrasound directly from the OB exam. It was only one floor down in the same building. I sat and waited for awhile because I didn't have an appointment. My name was called, I changed in the little changing room into the paper thin gown and I was sat to wait in an ultrasound room. 

I took a breath and did the same thing I did when I was in labor early with Eva and the NICU director was giving me all the worst-case-scenarios: I surveyed the energy in the room. I took notice of the blink of the lights, the feel of the crepe paper underneath my back, the smell of the office space and the whirring sound the ultrasound machine was making. Would I forever remember that whir? Would this musty smell forever remind me of the day my life changed? Would this moment be heavy?

No. It didn't feel heavy. It felt musty and too warm for the season and that light blinking was really annoying and why is that machine so loud when it's not actively in use, but it felt light.  I wasn't willing to let myself off the hook entirely; too superstitious for that. But I let out the breath I was holding.

And in the end I consider myself lucky as all hell. Nothing showed up on the ultrasound. I check that lump on Mary Kate more than once a month and I don't leave out Ashley. I check her too. About a month ago I thought maybe it had changed so I went back to my doctor. She had no cause for concern, but to come back in 3 months if I'm still worried. I will forever be worried. I am a woman in her 30s in THIS day and age.  I have to check the "yes" box on medical forms when it asks if I have a maternal grandmother who had breast cancer. I have a friend MY AGE who is on her upteenth round of chemo because cancer seems determined to prove that she's weak...watch out, cancer, she's not and she's coming for you! 

I am watching mine closely because someone wasn't watching hers close enough. Please watch yours too!