A "Missed" Miscarriage

That's what this is. It's a "missed" miscarriage. That term seems ridiculous. How can you miss a miscarriage. I mean, isn't it pretty damn obvious? Not this time.

A week ago, my boobs weren't sore at all, but they are again now. I have fits of nausea and am incredibly bloated. I have no cramping and no spotting.

If I had not had the ultrasound on Thursday as a follow up, I would have no idea that we have lost our baby. I would be carrying on in my euphoric pregnant state dreaming of what is to come as our family expands. I would go to my 12 week ultrasound, probably skipping in the building thinking I was safe because I passed the danger zones. There wouldn't be a heartbeat and I would have then found out I had lost our child SIX weeks before. I can't even imagine that. So, unbelievably, I am actually thankful for knowing our baby is gone.

My doctor told me it can take several months during a missed miscarriage for the body to realize what happened and actually let the tissue go. Last April, I was hell bent on letting the miscarriage happen naturally, but I was already bleeding and cramping like mad at 8 weeks. I am almost 9 weeks now. That's almost 3 full weeks since our baby's heart stopped and I am showing now signs of loss anytime soon. So what happens in the meantime? I'm supposed to go observe my student teachers and give them feedback about their questioning strategies as if I give a shit. I am supposed to hold class and talk passionately about motor development as if that matters to me in the slightest. I am supposed to go to playdates at the park and buy groceries and simply carry on like I am not carrying a child that I hoped and prayed for, that I had a great feeling about, that is now gone. How in the hell is that supposed to happen????

There are risks to the surgery, but I simply cannot make my body continue on a different page than my mind and heart. I have scheduled a D&C for two weeks from now so that it can give my body some time to clue in and see how it responds. Otherwise, it's surgery.

I expected this pregnancy to end in surgery. Only I expected it would be a C-section at 38 weeks.  This is not how this was supposed to end.