October 27, 2011: The Waiting Game

The ultrasound yesterday turned out to be a complete deja vu.

Our June baby was there, measuring smaller than expected and although the heart rate was within the normal range, it is very low within that range.

This is EXACTLY what they said last April days before I miscarried.

The only thing I have to hold on to right now is that they found the baby immediately. Last Spring, they did not see it transabdominally and it took them nearly thirty minutes to find it transvaginally. This time, as soon as the warm goo was squished by the wand on my belly the baby was there and the little heart was flicking away.

The ultrasound tech was so compassionate she must have been working that day just for me. When I told her my circumstance, she took her eyes off of her "job" to make eye contact with me and tell me she has been in my shoes and knows just how anxious and lost I am feeling. She told me things during the scan she probably wasn't supposed to tell me. I appreciate her more than I can express.

I feel anxious.
I feel lost.
I feel broken.
I feel angry.
I feel impatient.
I feel confused.
I feel helpless.
I feel utterly alone.

But more than any of that lies the feeling that I refuse to be (pardon my language) dicked around.

I don't want some nurse telling me that they have seen crazier things work out. I don't want someone telling me that they are sure things will work out for me this time. Don't tell me there is probably no reason to be concerned. I don't want someone to say to me that the odds are so unlikely that I will miscarry again.

I want to be positive and enthusiastic, but the fact remains that,  right this very moment, we know nothing.

This is why I appreciate this ultrasound tech and my OB nurse telling me, "if this was a random ultrasound we would have zero cause for alarm. However, with your recent history, of course our guards are up and we are on alert." For this reason, they will send me for another ultrasound in a week to measure growth and to find some answers. Thank you for not placating me. I need people to shoot straight at me.

So now we wait. Pregnancy symptoms that have decreased will either resurface or I will start to bleed and cramp.

I don't know what my gut is telling me because it is in too much of a knot to speak clearly to me at the moment.

So, literally....I wait....