I am a woman that relies on her instincts to navigate her path in life. I use intuition about people, places, decisions, etc in order to feel out risks and rewards. Over the years, listening to my gut has taken me into great relationships and out of dying ones; it has led me to meet some of my very closest friends. My gut has told me what major to choose, what job to take and when to move on to another one. My gut has told me who to trust and who to keep my mouth shut around. It helped me choose my husband. It has told me when something is cosmically wrong, providing me with a warning for the death of my father and the loss of an unborn child. I have always been able to trust my gut.
Now, at 30 years old, it turns out I can't.
We went for our follow up ultrasound yesterday to measure growth from last week. I was 8 1/2 weeks. I ran around all morning because Eva and I woke up late and I had to rush her to school. I did an observation of a field placement student before my appointment to pass the time and keep from worrying. The night before, I spoke to some friends and my mom and told them that I had a good feeling about it, that my gut was telling me things were fine.
I was wrong.
There was no longer a heartbeat.
Last week, our June bug measured 6 weeks, 2 days. Now it's lifeless figure measures 6 weeks, 5 days. Exactly like last spring, just days after we saw that precious heart beat, it stopped.
I was not prepared for that. My gut outright lied to me and if I can't trust my instincts then I can't trust anything.
I don't understand what is going on. Why has my body betrayed me twice? Did I do something? Is it because I had a bad cold and have had thirty minute coughing fits for the last two weeks? Did that hurt the baby? Was it the days I took tylenol for the headaches or the tylenol cold medicine they told me I could take? I didn't even go near caffeine this time because I know that is one of the things that potentially causes miscarriage, but was it splenda? I had candy and cookies around Halloween even though I should have been preparing my body for the gestational diabetes. Should I not have? I carried Eva around a lot. She's only 26 pounds, but maybe that was too heavy? I didn't sleep well, sometimes only a few hours a night. Maybe I didn't get enough rest? Is it scar tissue from my c-section with Eva? Are my hormones running a muck? The list of questions about why is maddening, but I don't know how to silence it.
The only thing getting me through the approaching 11/11/11 due date of our first loss was the knowledge we had someone to look forward to. Now that is in a week and by the time it gets here I may have lost another. How is that fair?
My husband and I picked up Eva from school early and we took her home. I crawled into bed and under a rock and I have barely seen daylight since. I alerted who I needed to and have no plans to pick up the phone anytime soon. I simply wish to disappear.
After a fitful night sleep, I woke to see a new day arrive with the force of the weight that now weighs on my shoulders. For now, I will lie in bed and I will cry until the well runs dry as I wait.
I am not ready to say goodbye to my June bug, but it turns out I do not get much of a say on the matter.
I am crippled with heartache.
Nothing can ever make this right.
No one ever will.
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