October 30, 2011: Sunrise, Sunset??

I awoke at sunrise Friday morning with cramps.

I darted out of bed in the hopes that it was a near exploding bladder that was causing them. 10 minutes after I released that full bladder, the cramps remained.

I crawled back into bed and watched my peacefully dreaming husband as he slept, blissfully unaware of what my body was telling me at that moment. My body was telling me we were losing our June bug.

The tears felt particularly hot on my face at 5:55am on a cold morning. Matt woke slowly listening to my sickening sobs before he completely came to and shot up and said, "What is it? What's wrong?".

He held me and we cried. At some point I shot out of bed and vomited before waking my mother with a phone call to see if she could come down to sit with Eva when we were inevitably sent to the hospital. She was on the road within the hour.

I sent Matt to work to get his ducks in a row because there wasn't anything we could do until my mom arrived anyway.

When the office opened at 8:30, I called my doctor and left her a message. I asked what my sense of urgency was. If I hadn't actually lost the baby yet, was there something they could do for me at the hospital? If so, I would leave in my PJs immediately and take Eva with me.

She called back promptly and asked me about what I was experiencing. I told her honestly that I had cramped from about 5:45 until 7:00 am and that I really wasn't cramping since. There was no blood. She took a deep breath and told me to do so as well. Then she told me to just sit tight at home. There was nothing they could do for me at the hospital. She said some cramping without the presence of blood is normal at this stage of pregnancy, but that she understood my concern. She told me if the cramps returned or I saw blood to go to the hospital but otherwise to just hang tight and rest.

The cramps never came back. Slowly, I began to breathe again, but I still shut all the blinds and turned my phone off. There was no one I wanted to speak to and nothing I wanted to speak about. When my mom arrived, I made a point to not let my feet hit the floor all afternoon and I did not get out of my pajamas all weekend. We cancelled all of our weekend plans in order to give ourselves the time and space to let our heart rates return to normal and see what was in store for us.

I made it through the weekend and so did June bug.

My boobs are slightly more sore than they were days before, but not profoundly so.

My body may be telling me I am going to lose this baby, but if I am honest with myself, my gut is telling me the opposite.

I just hope like hell I can still trust my gut.